I am a hardcore self-depreciator, I will not lie about that. It's how I was programmed to function - if I keep myself at a lower level, people will underestimate me and I'll be able to rise from my self-induced handicap and beat the living shit out of everyone.
Or, at least, that's what I thought I would be able to do. I have kept myself at this lower standard for such a long time now that I'm doubting my own abilities - and I hate being another cliched teenager in this sea of puppets because it's now how I roll.
I make my own roads, I don't follow preset directions. I was never good with them, anyways.
But what does this have to do with Love? Everything.
Most of you already know that I am infatuated (noun :infatuation - a foolish and usually extravagant passion or love or admiration) with a boy. I refuse to admit it, but he's become integrated into my life in way I hate - constantly. plaguing. my thoughts.
And I hate it because I cannot control these emotions - they're pesky things. I feel like I'm not worth it, I feel like I'm not good enough for him. Which makes me feel even more pathetic considering he is just a boy, another nameless puppet in our society. I am a wallflower. He is too. We are a match made in Heaven - but for him to realize this is like for me to admit that he's just not that in to me. Not. Going. To. Happen.
I hate feeling inferior, but I hate feeling like I'm on top of the world.
Can feelings go away? Please?
Wait, no. No no no no no no. I like feelings. Wait, no I don't.
Ew, contradiction after contradiction - I need to sort my head out. I mean, honestly. adfasd;;;
Well, like, ugh.
(scientifically speaking, you have to be infatuated with a person for over a year and a half to be technically "in love". or something like that.)
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