In which I speak about the death of my writing skills.

I wrote this a while back...in January. I had the most horrible depression over my writing last month. This is what happened during that course of time. I decided to transcribe my posts on Joshyme's Hachiko, where I usually go when I have nothing better to do, and...I don't know. I felt like I needed to post my enlightenment on my blog - thankfully, I feel like I can accept my own writing now, once again.

So...enjoy the tale.

-Angie

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"No matter how good you are at something, there will be at least 20 people younger, smarter, richer and prettier than you who can kick your ass in that." - Second Rule of the Universe, as said by Sarah Nortrup.

Your second rule of the universe is true. It's so pathetically tried and true that you would think most of us would learn our lesson by now, huh?


WRONG.

Want to know why? Because we as Americans, maybe it's different for you J because you're Canadian and stuff, are raised to think that we can be the best there ever was. We're not taught humility at a young age and this goes on to screw up the rest of our lives. A lot of artists either have Saro-chan's problem, or inferiority complexes (much like mine), or they just...loose themselves to their art, you know? You've heard of stories of artists dying for their art, or losing the ability to do whatever their talent was - it kills them. Artists have one of the shittiest life expectancies ever. AND WHAT?

Nothing. Most artists die unknown, anonymous at it's best.

My inferiority complex will be the death of me, I swear. I hate my own writing - I'll be happy with it for a while, but I grow unhappy with it, rage against it. I can't find my writing style anymore. When you read something, like maybe Angie-wolfe's* TWEWY stories, or Dani's* KH fics, or whoever's stories you read, there's something distinct about them. Two writers can write about the same thing but the outcome will be different.

I can't find anything special about my writing style anymore - it's uniqueness is gone, mostly. I mean, you can catch snippets of it sometimes, but when you read my fic and someone else's with the poetry!fic style going on, you won't be able to tell the difference.

I'm done whining; I have fanfics to write and screwing inferiority complexes to do.

*insert about ten million comments about my stupidity here*

*sniffles and wipes away stray tear* ...I got sand in my eye, I swear.

*starts bawling* I'm sorry guys! I feel live I've failed to realize that there's other people on here that go through the same crap I do. I forget that you guys are here, that I'm not alone in this hole I dug myself, and that I do have a writing style.

It's just not...there, you know?

Kip* - Po-Mo*. I don't know; I think I started writing Po-Mo-ish because I was just so caught up in getting popular. *hangs head in shame* I usually whine on Polyvore* (a fashion site - it's like...oh. It's like the po-mo versus yourself war on here. Here's po-mo, here's me.) about how everything's a popularity contest and how no one cared about original sets anymore. I didn't realize that what I was whining about was the exact same thing doing I was doing on FF. I wanted to be popular, desperately, so I traded in my style for someone else's. I think that happened...oh, yes. My transition into the Po-Mo!style came after I completely tanked a Pokemon story. I wanted to write a fantastic story. It didn't work out so well, and I was really discouraged from the reviews I got (two, or three, I think). I decided that I wasn't going to let myself get hurt like that again, so I did a deal with the FF!Devil. I changed my stories, my art, and I got what I wanted. Popularity.

All for nothing - I haven't been able to get what I really want. A TVTropes* rec. That was my main goal after the deal was done.

But thing this was...I wasn't happy with my writing style way before I even got into the Pokemon!fandom. I was already moping about my TWEWY failures, Nothing Special, being the prime offender. Sure, I was really young and all, but when I got older and read that piece of crap, I was in shock. I couldn't believe that I wrote it and thus, I fled from the TWEWY!fandom and kind of lost myself in the Pokemon!fandom. It was because of one little failure that I missed out on a lot - I could've gotten better and better in the TWEWY!fandom. Maybe not. Well, we'll never know because it's obvious that I came back now, but completely different as the little twelve year old who started.

And now, here I am. I'm trying to go back to the days where I didn't write Po-Mo-ish. You can probably tell that by the newer titles, that it's kind of working.

Or not.

I have seventy-seven stories on this site. If someone was to ask me which one was my favorite, it would either have to be Crossing or Alexandria. Want to know why? Because both of those stories were milestones of my failure and success as a writer.

Thank you for enlightening me, guys.

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Notes:

*Angie-wolfe is the nickname for Angel, a girl on Fanfiction.Net whose stories are pretty awesome. Her penname is Divine Wolfe.

*Dani-chan is the nickname for Dani, another writer on FF.Net. Her penname usually has something do with Dani-chan.

*Kip is short for Kipper Snack, a boy on FF.net whose writing can kill via awesome. Creepy, but true. His penname is obviously Kipper Snack.

*Polyvore is the fashion site I used to hang out in. I hate it now.

*TVTropes is the place to be for writing. Almost every writer's dream is to get on that site.

*Po-Mo is the portmanteau name for post-modernism, as coined by Kipper Snack.